How to Communicate with Confidence
One of the most important aspects of communicating with confidence is having a healthy and balanced communication style. And to understand this, I’m going to use my yin and yang coaching framework...
Yin is more introverted, unexpressive, and quiet, whereas yang is more extroverted, expressive, and loud.
Yin is more passive and associated with listening, whereas yang is more active and associated with speaking.
Yin also tends to be more unclear and vague in communication, whereas yang tends to be more clear and direct.
And in order to embrace more confidence in our way of communicating, we need to embrace more yang qualities. So being more expressive, outspoken, assertive, clear and direct.
And remember here, the aim isn’t to become excessively loud, blunt, harsh, or overpowering in order to communicate with confidence. Instead, we want to embrace a healthy balance between listening and speaking, as well as being very clear and direct, whilst also being kind, empathetic, considerate, and respectful of the other person.
So, embracing both yin and yang qualities in a very healthy and balanced way.
Speak up and out for yourself
Instead of staying quiet and in the background, or holding back your thoughts, feelings, ideas, and opinions (excess yin), learn to express yourself and speak up and out for yourself (healthy yang).
Even if this feels uncomfortable at first (the uncomfortable feeling is you embracing more yang qualities, which is currently outside of your comfort zone), over time it will become more comfortable and natural, like second nature, and it will help you to become more confident overall.
So embrace expressing yourself and speaking up and out for yourself, and move through that feeling of being uncomfortable, because at the other end of this uncomfortable feeling is where you find greater confidence and positive change in yourself.
Take your time when you speak
Allow yourself time and space to fully speak and express yourself. Allow yourself to take up room (healthy yang).
You don’t have to rush through what you want to say. Instead, give yourself the space and room to fully express yourself.
And remember: smile, slow, low.
A few years ago, when I had some communication coaching, I was told to film myself speaking. And when I watched myself back, I noticed that I wasn’t smiling, and it made me come across as quite miserable, whereas that wasn’t a true reflection of how I was actually feeling inside.
I also noticed that I was speaking quite fast because I wasn’t feeling confident in myself in front of the camera. So I learnt to slow down and take my time when I speak, which helped me to come across as much more confident, composed, and in control of myself.
And lastly, low: I noticed that I was ending my sentences higher, which made me sound unsure of myself, and as though I was asking a question rather than making a statement. So I learnt to end my sentences lower, which helped me to sound more certain and confident in what I was saying.
And in that moment, I said to myself: smile, slow, low.
Remember to smile. Remember to speak slower. And remember to end your sentences lower, as this will help you to come across as much more confident, composed, and in control of yourself.
Be Comfortable with Silence
You don’t need to fill every moment of silence with words (this does, in fact, have the opposite effect and makes you come across as unconfident).
So become comfortable with silence. This will help you to come across as a much more confident person: someone who is confident in themselves and confident in moments of silence.
Stop over-apologising
Avoid saying unnecessary “sorrys” that don’t carry any real weight or meaning, and save the genuine apologies for when they truly matter, such as taking responsibility for a mistake, asking for forgiveness, or showing empathy for someone else's pain.
And instead of over-apologising, use gratitude.
This shifts your communication style away from people-pleasing tendencies and into a more confident way of communicating.
For example, instead of saying:
“Sorry for taking up so much of your time.”
Say:
“Thank you for your time.” (which sounds much more confident, clear, and direct - aka healthy yang).
Stop over-sharing, over-explaining, and justifying yourself
Once you’ve said no or communicated your point clearly, allow it to be.
You don’t need to over-share, over-explain, or justify yourself (these are all excess yin, people-pleasing tendencies).
In other words, you don’t need lots and lots of words in order to get your point across or to say no to someone.
The fewer words you use, the clearer your point will come across and the more confident you will sound.
Be clear and direct
Aim to communicate in a very clear and direct way (healthy yang).
In other words, express what you want and need; get straight to the point; and say what you mean (if you want to say no, say no).
You can still be polite, respectful, kind, and considerate whilst also being clear and direct. > This = healthy and balanced yin and yang.
Use appropriate eye contact
Using appropriate eye contact helps you to come across as much more confident and composed. It also helps you to connect with the other person and shows that you are present and genuinely engaged in the conversation.
So when you’re speaking to someone, make appropriate eye contact rather than looking away, at your phone, or allowing your attention to wander elsewhere.
Final Thoughts
Remember that communicating with confidence isn’t about becoming the loudest person in the room or becoming "excess yang".
Instead, it’s about embracing healthy and balanced yin and yang qualities. For example, knowing when to speak and when to listen, and being able to express yourself clearly, directly, and confidently, whilst also creating the space for the other person to express themselves too.
And when you do speak, it’s about taking your time to express yourself; being very clear and direct with the words you use; using appropriate eye contact; being comfortable in any silent moments; and moving away from any excess yin people-pleasing tendencies, such as over-apologising, over-sharing, over-explaining, or justifying yourself.
Overall, embracing more healthy yang qualities will help you to communicate in a much more confident way. But that doesn’t mean losing those healthy yin qualities of listening, kindness, empathy, consideration, and respect for the other person.
Ultimately, it’s about embracing both yin and yang qualities in a very healthy and balanced way - being confident in yourself and in what you have to say, whilst also being mindful, considerate, and respectful of the other person too.
